Anatomy Of A Stupid.

I Shouldn’t Be Alive..

Warning. This special episode of I Shouldn’t Be Alive contains graphical text that may lead to discomforting imaginations or severe diarrhea. Reader discretion is advised.

‘Tis a run of the mill Wednesday morning when Form 5 student Izzat was headed out to run his errands. Little did he know that today, the jaws of death will be in his sight with every move he makes after one bad incident.

Izzat, a 17 year old living in the north west of Shah Alam reaches school every morning at 7.20am (relatively late for you), but today, he has to leave at 8.00am to take his driver’s test. It seemed almost normal until the first signs of danger and boredom struck just after he arrives at the driving school. He arrives at the driving school. He gets out of the car but feels a strange presence behind him. It’s the MBSA, they’re issuing summons to cars who don’t pay their parking tickets..

"I was just about to lock my car when I felt this… eerie sense.. like I was in a ghost house…. only twice as eerie!"

All was alright, he just had to head to the ticketing machine, get a ticket and return to his car. However, as he reached the machine, it had a clear OUT OF ORDER tape stretched across it. He started to panic. He looked around for another ticket machine but couldn’t find one. His body was losing metabolisme fast, and he had to make a decision before the officials unleash their wrath on his car (and wallet).

Luckily, as he is an avid generalknowledgephilosophian, he remembers what he sees from a fellow GKP, he cunningly moves his car to the white zone, where the officials couldn’t summon him for not paying his parking fees for.

"All I could remember then was just making sure I get back to my car in time, and moving my car to a safe spot, and I’d be okay.."

Again all went back on track for Izzat, the clock showed 8.35am, and he knew he was late as he promised the teacher to be there by 8.30am. Yet another close call to death was about to appear right infront of him in the next few minutes. He arrives at the door of the office only to find it locked. He panics again, thinking he may have missed the van there may have to reschedule for the test again. Fortunately this time he manages to keep his cool, and take a seat at a nearby minimarket bench. Ironically however, a crazy indonesian dude comes out with a broom charging towards him in an orderly fashion and he is forced to leave..

"I wasn’t doing anything. When this semi-looking lady came out, all I could think of was.. bloody hell."

Fast forward to 8.45am, the office lady arrives, she apparently just got up from bed and didn’t want any trouble (you know how cranky senior citizenettes are when they wake up, don’t you?) so he proceeds to just following her upstairs to the office together with another man and lady, claiming that they are also taking their tests today. Waiting to leave in the office, Izzat gets a clue at his next death toll.

"Out of nowhere, this big.. man just appeared at the front door, all sweating and smelly like his 5 o’clock shift at the yard just ended and it’s 8.45 in the morning! I was very worried indeed."

At first he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about it, but as the signal came to leave, the unidentified man also got up, apparently leaving together. Izzat rushed down in a frantic state, hoping to get a seat at least next to the window in the worst case scenario. Too late, there’s yet another man similar to the other already in the vehicle. Ironically, today the company sent the van in for service and has to use the test vehicle, the Perodua Kancil to transport students to the test centre.

It struck Izzat for a while that maybe, just maybe he’d have to sit next to one of the men in the miniscule car. Well whaddya know he gets in the car and next thing he sees is one man on each side of the door. He was about to get sandwiched in between two people to his close death. At this point, doctor’s believe he has broken a finger bone from pressing on the seat to make sure he makes no contact with the deadly venom.

"The road.. oh my god, it was just horrible, the driver just had to take using the long cut just because of a morning traffic jam and he took corners like he was Mark Webber on steroids. It was just horrid, just horrid."

Arriving at the test centre, Izzat is lucky to still be alive. He has been diagnosed for a severe haematoma at his right and left elbows and multiple muscle spasms at the hamstring from straining his left and right wing to evade unnessecary contact and poisonous burns. He is told to get a number at the counter.

"I was still alright, I could feel my heart rate and it was still fine. I was told to get a number at that counter and I saw it. I saw the counter, and I saw the line, but I didn’t see the starting of the line! Hell was about to break loose again."

He was frightened like a little infant. He still had that haematoma and muscle spasm left over from the journey and now he had to que up in a line as long as two Eiffel towers put together end to end, just to get a number. His day wasn’t going any better. All he could do now was wait, control his pain and be patient. Many times he (inside his heart) screamed to the intense pain, it was unimagineable for the average joe.

2 hours has past, finally it’s his turn to take a number. His voice was so dry, the counter lady thought he was about to pass out. She issues him a number, to his surprise, the number reads 13. He had spirit once more, he thought he may have just survived the longest que by luck, but actually it was worst than that. He is told to go to booth A and wait for his turn to drive. The first car pulls up, and the JPJ official comes out and calls a number, he hoped that this number was close to 13, but..

"I was stunned. The big poomba came out and yelled 261! I was so shocked my mouth was hanging and I almost drooled! This day wasn’t going any better for me"

Izzat remembers a survival technique he learns from a cheap 2 dollar quiz he took on the internet, he sneaks under a shaded part of the booth and keeps shelter awaiting his low albeit far number to be called out. The hours passed, and his number still didn’t get a call. The pain he was suffering was getting worst, a distinct odour from the earlier journey snuck it’s way up his sleeve and now is displacing itself into the atmosphere, and everyone was giving a weird stare that spelt "Who farted now?" all over their faces.

The haematoma was getting really bad now, he could see the spots on his elbows and a slight move will land him in serious pain. The clock struck 12.30pm and to his deaf luck, a representitive comes to the booth and says that the testers are on a lunch break and will be back at 1pm.

"See, in my mind this was bad because I saw the sky and there were siaoniaos everywhere and the dark clouds was closing in signalling a rain is about to arrive"

Thankfully, his cries for help is eventually answered to when everyone left for lunch thinking that the testers are on their break, and all of the sudden many started to come to the booth to call out for numbers. Number after number people were absent, things were looking up for once. Or so he thought. Finally a loud "TIGA BELAS! CALON TIGA BELAS!" sounded and he got up in joy and fought the pain all the way to the test car.

He arrives in the car, does as per what he’s practiced which is to start by adjusting his seat, the side mirrors, rear mirrors, testing the turn signals and wipers. Everything was well so far, he proceeded to fasten his seat belt. However, there’s a slight twitch in the seat belt mechanism, the buckle is stuck to the seat. Frantic, he tries at yanking the buckle hoping that it would come free from the seat. The tester was slightly cheebyed
at this point. He already told Izzat to move, but he couldn’t due to the buckle getting stuck and the tester is not impressed.

"I pulled, but it just didn’t want to come out. I knew if I didn’t get it out quick, I was going to be extremely dead soon. The pain in the elbow was agonizing, but I was beyond my boiling point from the wait and just gave it a hard pull with all my might, and my elbow swung out left right into the tester’s face. This is bad."

Knowing that he is in a sticky situation, Izzat just roughly apologizes to the tester and proceeds to move on without asking more questions. He shifts it into first gear, and slowly lets go of the clutch to know the car’s clutch action range. To his surprise, the car gave a hard jerk when he popped the clutch full. Still not impressed, the tester has a bad face this time, like he just bought a pair of wrong sized underwear and had to wear it because he tore up his last one in a bad accident at the loo. Back to the topic at hand, Izzat goes through the course and arrives back at the centre, hoping to get good results.

"I was nervous. I really hoped I didn’t do anything wrong because it will be my head if I had to repeat this, and he didn’t seemed satisfied at all with my driving."

Still with the half-past-six face, the tester gets up and marks Izzat’s paper. All the time, Izzat is sweating upon seeing him marking each box, either with a passing / or the forbidden X. He spots the first X, it’s marked next to the "Use of proper gearing to match speeds". Anxiously looking on, he spots the next X - marked at the "Proper usage of hand and foot brakes". Strike two, and more than two more and his day will end in defeat. Third X, he could not identify what it was for due to the anxiety. Palms sweating, hands shaking, the fourth X is marked. At this point, he knows if another X is marked, then, well, you know..

The paper is handed to him by the tester. Upon immediate inspection he is lucky to find no more X’s after the fourth one. He survives the epic, and passes the test. Today, Izzat is driving his car around legally with a license and still lives to tell the scary tale of him taking his driver’s test.

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